I was sitting on the couch this morning having my usual cup of coffee and laughing at myself. Last night I went to dinner with my brother and his family. I was sitting in a chair holding my 3-year old nephew and somehow managed to throw my hip out. It still hurts this morning. I was laughing, thinking how glorious it is to be 40. (I just celebrated my 40th birthday last week.) And then, out of nowhere, I just started writing. I'm not a writer, so there are probably a million grammatical errors. And honestly, I don't care. It's not about that. I just wanted to write some life lessons that I've learned over the last 40 years that maybe (hopefully) can be helpful to you. Please understand one thing...these are just life lessons from my very limited perspective. I'm not a mother, so you won't find anything about parenting in here. I've never had a psychological disorder, so you won't find anything in here about dealing with that. Because I don't know. But I have been in crazy credit card debt. I have been hurt. I have made bad decisions that I regret. I have been selfish, I have judged others, and I have had moments when I didn't trust God. I've lived some life. Most of my readers here on the blog are high school girls, so to you I say, I hope you pull something away from this that will change your life for the better.
1. Do NOT settle. Be the kind of woman who deserves a knight in shining armor and then wait for him. This literally will change the rest of your life. Being married to your best friend - someone you can disagree with, but still respect each other's opinions and have a really good conversation with, someone who makes every moment more fun just by being with him, someone who loves you just as you are and you never feel like you're not enough, someone who calls you on your selfish ways, not to criticize, but instead to help make you a better person - that's the kind of life you want. That's the kind of person with whom you can endure any trial and come out better on the other side. On the contrary, settling or rushing into a relationship because you are lonely or desperate or just unsure will almost always cause nothing but heartache. If he isn't the person I described above now, he never will be. You won't change him. Please, please believe me on this. It's better to let go now rather than suffer years of heartache and disappointment when he's not all you had hoped he would be.
2. You don't DESERVE anything. Can we be honest for a minute and say that we live in a spoiled culture? We live in a time and place where the overwhelming majority feel that we are owed something...that just because we were born, we deserve certain treatment, certain possessions, and certain rights. Do you think that just because a person was born in Africa to a mother and father with AIDS, they deserve less than you? No. We are blessed beyond measure. I don't understand it. I don't know why I was born to a wonderful family in the United States of America. But I was, and I am so blessed. The only response to that, in my opinion, is to live every day with gratitude. Work HARD. Set your alarm, get out of bed, and with gratitude go to work/school and give it your all. Because you don't deserve that bed or the house it's in or the job you have. They are all blessings. Keep it in perspective. You might not live in a mansion and drive a $100,000 car, but you don't live in a place where you have to have sex with a man who has AIDS in order to get clean drinking water for your family. Live with gratitude.
3. Go to sleep every night with a clean conscience. Feeling guilt over bad decisions you have made is the WORST. It will tear you up emotionally, physically, and relationally. Allow that guilt to compile over time and it will consume you. So don't let it happen. Live above reproach. Even when telling the truth is hard, do it anyway. When you get paid in cash, don't pocket it, report it as income. Give your spouse/parents the password to your phone and never care if they look at it...because you have nothing to hide. If you borrow money, pay it back. If you tell someone you'll be there, be there. And be there on time, not when it's convenient for you, but when it means something to the other person. When you go to sleep at night have no regrets. Know that you lived well and honestly and put others first.
4. GIVE. Give of your time, your money, your talents. You may think that giving just benefits others (and it does), but it will benefit you more than them. Giving puts life into perspective and, again, makes you realize how blessed you are. Serving others is beneath no one. Putting others before ourselves is healthy and it's how we were intended to live.
5. Don't ever let yourself get to a place in your life where you look back and wonder, "what if?". This was advice my Dad gave me when I was in college and I've never forgotten it. Basically it means to live with no regrets. For example, if you want to go to college then do whatever it takes to get there. Work an extra job if you have to, study harder and longer than other people, get involved in extracurricular activities. Make up your mind that you want something and DO IT. Don't just sit back and wish that things were different, do something about it! Don't allow yourself to get into your 40's (or whenever) and look back with regret that you didn't try harder.
6. TRUST. Despite our best human efforts, life won't always turn out the way we plan or wish. Through one of the deepest struggles of my life (infertility), I have learned that when that happens the only response is to trust. Trust in a God who has a plan for you. And it's not a Plan B, it's a perfect plan. He cares so deeply for you and when you weep, He weeps. The circumstance in your life isn't a punishment. It's not. I know it feels that way. Sometimes He's teaching you a life lesson. Sometimes (if you need it...and most of us do) He's humbling you. Sometimes He is sharpening you into the person He needs for a greater purpose. And sometimes it's just the right thing for you and your life even if you can't see it. You get to choose...you can choose to live in anger, resentment and self-pity or you can choose to trust.
7. Don't judge others. It's not our job. It's so easy to get on our high horse and look down on other people because of their decisions or actions. But listen to me, you've never lived in their shoes. You don't know the circumstances of their life that have caused them to make certain decisions. You don't know the pain that they feel. You don't know. I don't know. Our job is to show love to all people. That doesn't mean you are endorsing any kind of behavior, it means you took it seriously when God said, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation..." (Mark 16:15) God is love. We are to love. He will do the judging when the time comes.
8. Surround yourself with people who are better than you. If you are the most successful person of your group of friends, it's likely you will never be any more successful. Don't be intimidated by people who are smarter, wiser, more successful or whatever, but instead learn from them. Ask them questions. Glean everything you can from the way they live their life, to how they make decisions, and how they got where they are in life. These kind of friends and/or mentors will challenge you to continue growing instead of allowing you to remain stagnant.
9. Love with all that you are. When you find the person I described in #1, then let the guards down. I know that this opens you up to the risk of getting hurt, but it's so worth it. There is nothing in this world like the feeling of loving someone so deep that it hurts. Hold nothing back. It makes you feel alive and free and like the luckiest person on the planet. And friends, if for some reason you do get hurt, then take whatever time you need to recover and then love with all you are again. Don't let someone else's mistake destroy your ability to experience love like it's meant to be.
10. I know it sounds cliché, but stay true to who you are and be proud of her!! I spent so many years in high school, college, and my 20's living with huge insecurities about what I looked like and if people liked the real me. I had so many insecurities that I bet if you asked friends I had during those years of my life, they would probably tell you I was pretty quiet. And let me just tell you, I'm not quiet! I was quiet because it was easier than putting myself out there. I was afraid I wasn't pretty enough or funny enough or smart enough. Oh my word, I wish I could express to you how much I regret that. Why on earth did I waste those years worrying about what other people thought so much?? I missed out on experiences and relationships because of it. Please, please I beg you, learn from my mistake. You are beautiful. You are exactly the woman God created you to be and you should be soooooo proud of her!! Look life in the face and say, "This is me! Take me as I am or move on!" Don't you dare waste a moment trying to be someone you are not just to impress another person. The freedom you will feel by being yourself is almost indescribable. And if you, like me, have already developed insecurities, the process to recover is just that...a process. For me, I still look in the mirror and speak truth. "God designed every ounce of you, Stacey Kyler. He chose that crooked nose and every other feature of your appearance. He made you sensitive and silly. He created you and He doesn't make mistakes! You are perfectly you."
Thank you for reading. I'm humbled that you spent time reading these words I wanted to share. If you have any questions, I would be MORE than happy to answer them or discuss further. You can comment below or even email me at stacey@staceykyler.com.
And now the "I hope I don't need to say this, but probably should just in case..." statement - Because I shared personal views, I know not all of you will agree with me. And that's obviously ok. I won't, however, engage in anything other than productive discussion. Differing opinions discussed with respect for one another is amazing and the only way I am willing to communicate. :)
1. Do NOT settle. Be the kind of woman who deserves a knight in shining armor and then wait for him. This literally will change the rest of your life. Being married to your best friend - someone you can disagree with, but still respect each other's opinions and have a really good conversation with, someone who makes every moment more fun just by being with him, someone who loves you just as you are and you never feel like you're not enough, someone who calls you on your selfish ways, not to criticize, but instead to help make you a better person - that's the kind of life you want. That's the kind of person with whom you can endure any trial and come out better on the other side. On the contrary, settling or rushing into a relationship because you are lonely or desperate or just unsure will almost always cause nothing but heartache. If he isn't the person I described above now, he never will be. You won't change him. Please, please believe me on this. It's better to let go now rather than suffer years of heartache and disappointment when he's not all you had hoped he would be.
2. You don't DESERVE anything. Can we be honest for a minute and say that we live in a spoiled culture? We live in a time and place where the overwhelming majority feel that we are owed something...that just because we were born, we deserve certain treatment, certain possessions, and certain rights. Do you think that just because a person was born in Africa to a mother and father with AIDS, they deserve less than you? No. We are blessed beyond measure. I don't understand it. I don't know why I was born to a wonderful family in the United States of America. But I was, and I am so blessed. The only response to that, in my opinion, is to live every day with gratitude. Work HARD. Set your alarm, get out of bed, and with gratitude go to work/school and give it your all. Because you don't deserve that bed or the house it's in or the job you have. They are all blessings. Keep it in perspective. You might not live in a mansion and drive a $100,000 car, but you don't live in a place where you have to have sex with a man who has AIDS in order to get clean drinking water for your family. Live with gratitude.
3. Go to sleep every night with a clean conscience. Feeling guilt over bad decisions you have made is the WORST. It will tear you up emotionally, physically, and relationally. Allow that guilt to compile over time and it will consume you. So don't let it happen. Live above reproach. Even when telling the truth is hard, do it anyway. When you get paid in cash, don't pocket it, report it as income. Give your spouse/parents the password to your phone and never care if they look at it...because you have nothing to hide. If you borrow money, pay it back. If you tell someone you'll be there, be there. And be there on time, not when it's convenient for you, but when it means something to the other person. When you go to sleep at night have no regrets. Know that you lived well and honestly and put others first.
4. GIVE. Give of your time, your money, your talents. You may think that giving just benefits others (and it does), but it will benefit you more than them. Giving puts life into perspective and, again, makes you realize how blessed you are. Serving others is beneath no one. Putting others before ourselves is healthy and it's how we were intended to live.
5. Don't ever let yourself get to a place in your life where you look back and wonder, "what if?". This was advice my Dad gave me when I was in college and I've never forgotten it. Basically it means to live with no regrets. For example, if you want to go to college then do whatever it takes to get there. Work an extra job if you have to, study harder and longer than other people, get involved in extracurricular activities. Make up your mind that you want something and DO IT. Don't just sit back and wish that things were different, do something about it! Don't allow yourself to get into your 40's (or whenever) and look back with regret that you didn't try harder.
6. TRUST. Despite our best human efforts, life won't always turn out the way we plan or wish. Through one of the deepest struggles of my life (infertility), I have learned that when that happens the only response is to trust. Trust in a God who has a plan for you. And it's not a Plan B, it's a perfect plan. He cares so deeply for you and when you weep, He weeps. The circumstance in your life isn't a punishment. It's not. I know it feels that way. Sometimes He's teaching you a life lesson. Sometimes (if you need it...and most of us do) He's humbling you. Sometimes He is sharpening you into the person He needs for a greater purpose. And sometimes it's just the right thing for you and your life even if you can't see it. You get to choose...you can choose to live in anger, resentment and self-pity or you can choose to trust.
7. Don't judge others. It's not our job. It's so easy to get on our high horse and look down on other people because of their decisions or actions. But listen to me, you've never lived in their shoes. You don't know the circumstances of their life that have caused them to make certain decisions. You don't know the pain that they feel. You don't know. I don't know. Our job is to show love to all people. That doesn't mean you are endorsing any kind of behavior, it means you took it seriously when God said, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation..." (Mark 16:15) God is love. We are to love. He will do the judging when the time comes.
8. Surround yourself with people who are better than you. If you are the most successful person of your group of friends, it's likely you will never be any more successful. Don't be intimidated by people who are smarter, wiser, more successful or whatever, but instead learn from them. Ask them questions. Glean everything you can from the way they live their life, to how they make decisions, and how they got where they are in life. These kind of friends and/or mentors will challenge you to continue growing instead of allowing you to remain stagnant.
9. Love with all that you are. When you find the person I described in #1, then let the guards down. I know that this opens you up to the risk of getting hurt, but it's so worth it. There is nothing in this world like the feeling of loving someone so deep that it hurts. Hold nothing back. It makes you feel alive and free and like the luckiest person on the planet. And friends, if for some reason you do get hurt, then take whatever time you need to recover and then love with all you are again. Don't let someone else's mistake destroy your ability to experience love like it's meant to be.
10. I know it sounds cliché, but stay true to who you are and be proud of her!! I spent so many years in high school, college, and my 20's living with huge insecurities about what I looked like and if people liked the real me. I had so many insecurities that I bet if you asked friends I had during those years of my life, they would probably tell you I was pretty quiet. And let me just tell you, I'm not quiet! I was quiet because it was easier than putting myself out there. I was afraid I wasn't pretty enough or funny enough or smart enough. Oh my word, I wish I could express to you how much I regret that. Why on earth did I waste those years worrying about what other people thought so much?? I missed out on experiences and relationships because of it. Please, please I beg you, learn from my mistake. You are beautiful. You are exactly the woman God created you to be and you should be soooooo proud of her!! Look life in the face and say, "This is me! Take me as I am or move on!" Don't you dare waste a moment trying to be someone you are not just to impress another person. The freedom you will feel by being yourself is almost indescribable. And if you, like me, have already developed insecurities, the process to recover is just that...a process. For me, I still look in the mirror and speak truth. "God designed every ounce of you, Stacey Kyler. He chose that crooked nose and every other feature of your appearance. He made you sensitive and silly. He created you and He doesn't make mistakes! You are perfectly you."
Thank you for reading. I'm humbled that you spent time reading these words I wanted to share. If you have any questions, I would be MORE than happy to answer them or discuss further. You can comment below or even email me at stacey@staceykyler.com.
And now the "I hope I don't need to say this, but probably should just in case..." statement - Because I shared personal views, I know not all of you will agree with me. And that's obviously ok. I won't, however, engage in anything other than productive discussion. Differing opinions discussed with respect for one another is amazing and the only way I am willing to communicate. :)
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You are amazing! In just that fun, short weekend shooting beauties, (funny how people connect and immediately feel like you've known the person for years, kinda feeling) it was great to meet, laugh and ride along up to the canyon. This post is amazing. I love all 10, read it through twice and a huge believer of numbers 4 and 6. I can't say i didn't shed a few tears. Thanks for this post. Oh and, I would have never guessed 40! xo
ReplyDeleteJoanna!!!! I adore you. And I agree, loved connecting with you in LA!! Thank you so much. I know you have experienced similar things, but I also know you are an overcomer. You're a strong woman and you have the most beautiful little boy EVER. I'm so glad I know you. (And thanks for the age encouragement. Haha.)
DeleteStacey! This is GREAT! I needed to read it today! I miss seeing you! ��
ReplyDeleteSweet Shelly, I miss you too, girl!!! Thank you. I'm so glad you enjoyed it and found it useful. That means a lot to me. Hugs, friend! :)
ReplyDelete